1 Year older,1 year less wiser | Planning life without your best friend

Well as my birthday has just creeped up on me, been and gone funnily enough I feel none the wiser. If anything I feel less wise! I was quite the mature little child really with my words of wisdom, experiencing most things you'd do by the time you're old old which contains generally stupidity and sillyness. On my birthday I celebrated it in style by getting mortal drunk, unfortunately not delivering any good enough stories to beat the girls 21st birthdays or general nights out, of chundering next to a homeless guy and his dog whilst queuing to go into Koos, not making it out to my own birthday for being too drunk and passing out at half 9 in the sink or throwing up into a cup you just took a shot from. Standard. However I am glad to say that'll be one of the last times I wear heels for a long time. I'm one of these people who go out with a lovely warm coat, leggings and flats. None of this short skirts, high heels wearing next to nothing malachy.. me and that don't boat well.


One of the best people I have ever met is leaving me and will not be coming back for AT LEAST 2 months. Laura Kent. By far an outstanding personality. Even though I have known since the day I met her she was leaving it only hit me on Saturday, after crying that I opened an orange that went everywhere; all over Barney, my phone, clean clothes and in my clean hair I then thought about the girls leaving which set me off into a hysterical cry. If you know me well you will know that I am probably one of the most emotional people you'll ever meet, so imagine what I was like after 2 bits of bad news hit me in a row. First the orange, then the girls. Dear me! Today I helped Kenty pack her life for at least 2 months into a back pack, using the rolling technique of clothes to fit everything in. Who needs ironed clothes? Today was the start of the plan without the person who keeps my sane in life. Without the person who keeps you sane in life, what will happen? Bad things happen! My first night out without Kent in about half a year was the night that still haunts me to this day. 2 months... How will I last? Which is why I plan to be housebound for 2 months. Think I may sit in a dark room to avoid any bad news and happenings, that way what bad can come of it? The plan was started today. 1. Get a bird food box weekly. These bird foods boxes is also called a Graze Box. A box which contains 4 different healthy "treats." Nuts, seeds, dried fruit etc. So bird food. 2. Keep healthy 3. Keep fit 4. Unfortunately working ridiculous hours a weeks, getting up at the stupid oclock 5. Never drink so much that I even get the slightest hangover as recent ones have been nothing short of horrendous (sensible head) 6. not cause any accidents on the road 7. move out 8. watch all 6 seasons of Sex and The City with Henners.. My life for 2 months. Or sadly, longer.

What a "Helen"

Last weekend's crack basically decided that a "Helen" is a mare ("what a Helen.") .. This comes from birds shitting on your car each day, birds shitting on your car after you've washed it and birds shitting on your car whilst washing it. What can I say? JUST MY LUCK. The other night me and a few others decided that I must take everyone's bad luck when it comes to birds pooping al awa your car, my car is a bird shit magnet whilst everyone else goes on living a sound life bird shitless. Really I should not complain but I do, it's what I do best sometimes (especially when it comes to birds pooping all over my clean car) I should be thankful for a lot of things only when one thing in your life in turned upside down it's hard to see what is good in life and what isn't, which is totally where I think all the Helen's come from. When I say "turned upside down" I mean things like being hungover, a general bad mood, a demanding mood, not being able to get a taxi when you want one, so really having a right Helen. As Dan Evans always says "I really don't know how you get up in the morning Helen" me neither!


One thing for I am eventually thankful for is passing my driving test, the convenience of a car is definitely a good thing! Tootling along to people's houses for endless cups of tea and picking Kenty up from work which I also plan to become a regular in Frankie and Benny's. This week I picked Kent up from work where we went back to Chilli Road and acted like idiots for a good hour and a half. This hour and a half consisted of talking about her personal trainer who now has a girlfriend "Does she make you happy oooooo?", impersonating Finding Nemo, refreshing the same page on the web on 3 different apps for updates "Refresh, refresh!" impersonating Geordieshore "..Shot in our hand at al times, toneet is gonna be crackin!" in Bijoux, really? Then again this comes from people who think Koos day is the best night in Newcastle and Riverside is the best club, I'd rather stay at home if I'm honest .. So basically, general laughing like 3 pigs in the back of a taxi. This always leads to serious conversations like comparing relationships to changing your room around. Words of a Kent: "When you change your room around, you always want to be in it and can't wait to get in your room, like a new boyfriend/girlfriend you can't wait to see them, but then after a while you'll get sick of being in your room (the reason why we are sat in the living room) just like you'll get sick of your other half" This was then shortly followed by "I can't believe I just compared to changing your room around to a relationship" I'm not gonna lie, I thought it was quite an impressive metaphor!

Last night I had a lovely night making dinner which consisted of pizza and curly fries followed by a crazy amount of chocolate, for a lovely friend who actually seems to be always there especially when needed most! Including balling on the phone, balling in person and being cheered up by playing golf and going to basket ball games. "CJG!" Anywho, I then realised who mad it is that something that happened 6 months ago can feel like last week. Having one of the best Christmas' ever felt like a month ago and skiing, well that feels like a lifetime away now. Lying chilling in a spa looking up at the mountains listening to Alex Niggemann's Ibiza Voice podcast, what insane person would want to leave? Then again to come home after a 6am start and go straight to Nancy's Bordello to meet the best people in the world was probably the best bit about coming. The night of 3 pigs squealing in the back of a taxi. Little pigs of Cooper, Kent and myself. Laughing so much you cry... Definitely the best way ever to return home!


I am one of these people who love the rain, freezing cold winters, dark mornings and dark nights. No I am not depressed. I just love to be cosy in the house, in front of the (electric) fire. Reasons.. Being a massive cup of tea lover, being all cosy makes a cup of tea taste so much better in everyway. On a summer's day (ish) it doesn't have the same effect at 4pm when it is still light outside, quite warm and ringing Miss Nanda for a daily chat about what shit we are next going to get for our house in September. This is a routine I got into all winter which was the first thing I did when I walked through the door. Now it's probably of the last thing I would do.


Is being shallow a bad thing? Being shallow is defintely not a bad thing, well to an extent anyway. If you're not shallow you'll always settle for second best and what's the point in that? I'm just happy I'm not fat, being someone who goes for 30 year old guys and my best friends actually like me (definitely no hint to who that is there then!)  apologises if that's what you'd go for anyway! Things like that really do make me like and make me thankful for not being a person like that. Sorry if I'm not common, fat, want to be like everyone else and talk like a broad geordie trying to be something I'm not. Not forgetting saying "man" in every sentence 'cause I think I'm totally mint (obviously the case.) Actually come to think of it, it was only this week that I heard someone say "No one should change for anyone" most certainly true, and being common is probably one of my biggest fears in life! Never mind ghosts or the monsters who live under your bed, but being common.. Shit the bed (er literally?)

Bizarre moods and eating raw chicken

For a good couple of days now I've been in the world's strangest mood leading to totally not being aware. An example of this is eating raw chicken.. exactly as it sounds. I came home from work with my dinner already on a plate waiting for me to park my arse and watch Geordieshore, before I started eating being the nosy person I am I looked in the fridge to find "Chicken Bites." Having in mind that I once did A level Food Science and Nutrition, they were breaded and looked cooked so I ate one and it took me another half to realise that they weren't cooked. Looking on the cooking instructions it said "cook for 14-16 minutes" so they were definitely not cooked! Having everyone tell me to make myself sick so I didn't get food poisioning, I decided to run the risk of getting food poisoning 'cause really how much harm can a small piece of raw chicken do to you eh? The "FSNer" I am, I proved everyone wrong. I was totally fine. Well until I ate a Bigmac Large meal today then 2 Chunky KitKats which I totally blame feeling sick on that chicken last night definitely.

I've really started to wonder now whether horoscopes are actually true. Apparently 2011 was suppose to be "my year." Bullshit. If this was my year then I'd hate to see a bad year. Dear me. I'm half way through the year and reading my horoscopes religiously I've only just realised they are talking shit. Then again I do believe in the whole whatever start sign you are can say a lot about you. I 100% know about myself that I'm emotional, dramatic and talkative. On Sunday night when I went to Greg Wilson at The Cut, some lass "kindly" stood on my foot in the world's biggest heels, here's me 5ft 4 being totally over the top screaming and pushing this girl off my foot, to turn round with a Rachel laughing hysterically at me being a total drama queen. Really though with the current burise I have to show for it anyone would have been that over the top! And did this 7ft tall girl in heels with todays most common hair do of something that ressembles a beehive apologise? Ok she did, but the word sorry is so overused these days I decided that she didn't mean it as she carried on taking her bloody photo, what was clearly going to be upoloaded on Facebook in a matter of minutes of taking it with a caption that goes something like this "Loving me girlies." I'm complaining of my year so far but really all isn't that bad but it definitely is not "my year" unless I happen to win the lottery or something in the next 6 months, and with my current luck I'll probably get fired from my job and have no money never mind winning the lottery. This year something good has come out of my miserableness, I have met the most amazing people that I know for a fine fact I will love and know forever, I am going to become a nurse as of next March UNCONDITIONALLY (sorry to rub it in), I landed myself a new job, my lovely cousin is going to have a baby (amazing news!), I had a weekend in London, a week in Austria and my travels don't stop there this year. Also to go this year is Turkey, Ibiza, back to London and around Australia. So really with many many shitty moments like that stupid girl standing on my foot, all isn't 100% bad. With always following Rev Run on Twitter and his lovely little quotes (which I swear are taken straight from Girl Dictionary on Twitter) I heard Girl Dictionary also posts simular quotes, so being the person I currently am, I now follow "her." When I came in from work, once I ate my share of raw chicken, browsed through Twitter whilst half watching Geordieshore, to see "she" upated this: "#agoodboyfriend always tells the truth to his woman, never a lie. He knows she should be protected from the rest of the world and not HIM" to my ammusement and only half glancing at the tweet I burst out laughing at the fact HIM looks like HIV. So having the phone at the ready about to text Kent this Tweet, Alix who was sitting next to me obviously confused, I put all my attention into this Tweet to read it out, to then totally ruin it to find out it actually said HIM. However I still obviously then carried on giggling away. 

At the moment I feel like I have far too much spare time on my hands, even though I know I should be busy working! However making decision to talk to Leena on the phone about what hobbies I am going to take up was a bad idea. At the time I was browsing Cath Kidston things on the interne, which made me just feel old after I picked out my new cultery for the house next year which consists of everything flowery as well as chosing  my new stupidly, over prices pillow cases for my new bed. However after everyone went crazy a couple of months ago when I bought a lovely flowery pillow case of a tenner, I think I'll buy a couple this time just to be annoying. I love wasting money, especially on homeware and silly things like designer pillow cases which everyone obviously needs. An essential.  Anyway so my new hobbies are going to be knitting which I will knit Leena a Christmas jumper and make her wear it next year, even if she refuses I'll dress her in her sleep. There's nee getting out of this one. Another hobby is reading, which I am going to read all about where I'm off on my travels. After todays events of looking at places in Ibiza, over dinner table conversation I said that I was going to read up on Australia after talking about Ibiza for a good 10 minutes. But really what is there to read up on Ibiza about? Do my research on what, the states I will see? As I already feel like I have too much time on my hands I have no idea how I am going to feel in a couple of months time, I will be no doubt be pulling my hair out by this stage. Knitting and reading, I am definitely going to have something to talk about on nights out as of now! "Hiya I'm Helen I knit my flat mate Christmas jumpers and I read about nature, as well as eating raw chicken" Maybe I need to find some more or new hobbies to talk about.

Well rumour has it stalkers aren't what they use to be! I wonder if some people's definitions of stalkers are going out in the car and checking out all the "D" 'cause really, that would be even more hilarious. To be honest, after today of watching kids play out of the window then followed by a quote of "I love kids" after talking about MGMT I would class myself as a scary one. Other people believe what they want (however I'm certainly not a stalker or a pedo checking out al the local D) off whoever tells them whatever, but at the end of the day if you're lying about someone stalking you then I'd definitely class them being the one with the issues mind.

Getting back to the Seriousness Of Facebook I totally forgot to mention the funniest status I ever did see months back. Even though it was back in January sometime I still remember it 'cause it was that funny. I remember it was a Tuesday morning (to be precise) and as you (use) to do, update Facebook on your phone to see what's being going on in the world, and when you read a status like this, this is when you know that the world for some has hit a brick wall. I actually read a status saying "Get me back to that Afters" WELL, where to start on that! My first rection was cringe then laugh. This status was followed by comments saying "Aye a na" so really that just says the lot. To be honest that has to be the best, funniest status I have seen in a long while. For the sheer fact, when people read it what do you think? I would rather live in a life that bearly exists? Really though, a lot of people need to open their eyes to the real world other than a fueled weekend. But when will most do it? Not for a very long time I gather.

A weekend of fun and frolics | Sex Vs Spooning

The weekend in now approaching and well let's just say there is a very eventful weekend ahead! Circo Loco on friday at Leg Ends (Legends in Newcastle) along with BBQing all day sunday (the good cook I am who did A level food yet can't bake a cake), Block Party and Greg Wilson at The Cut on Sunday. Have to say this will be a weekend to look forward to! In my grand old age this will no doubt start off with the routinely Friday night drink at The Forth. Every time we seem to go out last year I got a repuation of chundering in a cup on the odd occassion, to be honest it just seemed more convenient at the time instead of standing in a que at DB Social which hadn't moved for 10 minutes. However being the lady like person I am, I ran down the stairs with Kent and Rach behind me and did it in private, so not all was bad. I was then getting humped from behind by the two, really though that it all you need when spewing your guts up in a cup you just took a shot from. Lady like I know! To this day I still can't do vodka. LIES. I blame vodka shots and nothing else, as really I like to think of myself as innocent and sensible as possible. Ok even I don't convince myself these days. In fairness I think I did well that night, from a night that orignally going to be shit and was going to stay for "one" turned into dancing on tables, looking for 10's, making a tit out of myself (as per) and singing the words to Teenage Dream over every song. We should have known it was going to be a good night when we started the night off with Katy Perry. And the Katy Perry obsession at Warton Terrace continues. I did well that night in comparrison to a certain person's 21st that happened a few weeks ago... I say no more. Miss Cooper.


A few hours ago I was walking through the woods, (after driving erratically down country roads) and out of all the stupid stuff I say I think this was probably one of my stupidest, even after the whole are unicorns real episode and do gypsies have to take driving tests query. Anyway so there I was standing in the middle of the woods on a bridge looking down at the water and the very words of "Do you ever think that when you're watching the news that, wildlife aren't" came out my mouth. I'm not going to lie, I honestly do worry myself sometimes. I often don't think before I speak to realise how stupid I sometimes sound. You'd think I'd be embarrassed by this however if I'm honest I'm really not. I love saying stupid things, it makes me laugh and gets people easily out of bad moods... By my own stupidity. Dear me.


Not so long ago I heard the exact words "I can't believe you spooned on the first night. That is way worse than sex" and you know what I think I generally agree! Like I explained over my daily phone call to Miss Nanda you think more when you spoon. Then again this came from a male friend (who will stay unnamed) who said "We don't pick who we fall in love with, and it never happens the way it's suppose to" at this point I then said "You really need to stop watching rom coms." When you're unhappy rom coms are definitely not the way forward! This is where I turn all serious and throughout my day as I seem to be coming up with quotes right left and centre that actually make 100% sense about life (swear it's all down to the people I follow on Twitter,) there is a way forward for everyone and the people who dismiss you are only pointing you in the right direction, even if it isn't the easiest route, it's the right route. I like to think of myself as quite a mature person and I often get asked the question "How are you so wise at this age?" .. The truth it, I don't actually know. But by the sounds of my ridiculous questions I'm not always that wise. Guess it's because I'm a natural blonde. One thing I defintely have learnt is someone in life will definitely hurt you, but it's up to you to decide who is worth it, and who isn't. And to be fair, the LARGE majority aren't.

18 going on 80

Well, where to start. For  5 days now I have had numerous messages of "why did you delete me on Facebook? what did I do?" well as a matter of fact, no none of you did anything wrong Facebookers, I just realised that what a waste of time it is. I'm just really not bothered one bit if your having a "voddy and coke," getting buckled this weekend, on your way to work, loving the sunshine or going to Whitley with ya lasses. I suddenly lost interest in wondering what the large majority of you were doing. I already had Twitter with a small amount of followers and the people I follow so the people that I actually want to hear about on there or in my phone book. When I finished work the other day I was on the phone to one of my brothers who actually called me "sad" for deleting Facebook. I'm sorry if I don't come home each day from work or sit on my phone all day stalking people on Facebook and updating my status every second of the day telling you what I'm doing. Around Christmas I realised how many phrases and words I hate, I decided to share these with the two brothers one day who now find it hilarious to put these words into each sentence. It does amuse me but sometimes it just puts me in a massive bad mood if I'm already in a mood. I would really love to mention a few however would most certainly give away who these "phrases/words" belong to. Also I realised how serious Facebook had got, one day when me Kent and Rach were having a heart to heart (many days) and the words mentioned by Kent herself when I said I was going to get rid of Facebook were "No Helen, he can't take your Facebook from you. That is yours" I suddenly stopped in my tracks for a second to think about her words. I then started to crease at the how serious we were talking about Facebook. Has Facebook really gotten this serious? This happened a good couple of months ago to a point we still laugh at "the seriousness of Facebook" now. I also realised how serious Facebook has got after talking to Rachel about why I deleted my Facebook and she said that she "admired" me for doing it. Wow Rachel.

Over the past few weeks I have decided that I am just a fat person in little person's body. My first blog wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention food. I remember when I use to be known at work for talking about food. When I use to do the lovely (more like mind numbing) little 4 hours shifts on a Thursday night in Debenhams I use to go in at 4.10 and talk about how I was going to get a Bigmac large meal on my way home right until 8.10 when I finished. I did this for about 4 months each week, and unfortunately this is not even an exaggeration. A couple of weeks ago when the parents were away for a week, living practically alone was boring enough that I spent each day pottering around people's houses in Heaton drinking cups of tea, sharing Creme eggs with people, getting mortal at Hyem's pub quiz which wasn't even on and nearly getting arrest in SPA for laughing hysterically (3 pigs in the back of a taxi).. each day I use to venture to Tescos wondering what I was going to have for dinner. Every other day I use to buy myself a Tesco's Finest Triple chocolate cake which was gone in a day and a half. I drank numerous of cups of tea and ate a large amount of cake. I have acquired a bit of an obsession with cake really. I love all cakes especially carrot cake and chocolate cakes. When I mentioned to Richard about my blog he said "I bet you are just going to talk about what food you eat each day." I can't help that I love food this much. I should weigh about 10 stone by now. However I'm not 100% keen on Pizzahut texting me most days with their offers, to a point I had to message them back saying STOP. One Tuesday they messaged me in the morning, lunch time and tea time. No wonder people get obese if Pizzahut are doing this. But really if you're fat it's your own fault, I have no sympathy for these people who complain about their weight and still eat like a horse and they say that they don't know what the problem is... There's your problem! 

This week after helping people through tough times, my flat mate to be Leena decided to have a joke with me that when we were house hunting this week that I would not be looking at the houses but the sofas that were in it, to lie my patients on. She half expects to come in from work as of September to find people lying on the sofa and me sitting there asking them "and how does this make you feel?" .. One day I think I might go the whole way and put up a plack at the door with my name on it. Dear me Leena what have you got yourself into for 12 months?

Also recently I realised what makes me happy in life, it's not going out and getting a mess each weekend (as I try my best to limit doing that) but doing good deeds (as well as listening to old music and Katy Perry!) This week for being a good friend that I try to be to people I have recieved a thank you card, a bottle of wine and Pirates of The Caribbean box set. This made me happiest I've been in a long long while! It then dawned on me that I'm going into Nursing in a matter on months and imagine all the good deeds I'll do then. I literally cannot wait to leave retail forever. I moved from working on Childrens wear/Home to Phase Eight. So I switched from crying children at 9am on a hungover Saturday morning to customers who seem to have gob stoppers wedged in their mouth. At least it's safe to say I won't be there forever.

People say due to my recent rants about Facebook, drinking numerous cups of tea a day, coming home early and drinking sensibly on a weekend (occassionally does happen), enjoying having civilised meals and drinks, getting excited over cleaning, getting excited over new pillows and pillow cases as well as listening to 80's groove that I am "18 going on 80." I can't help my ways. I realise that I was not brought up like this as I use to be the one saying to my mum when she use to buy me short skirts when I was younger "I'm not wearing that!" .. I guess it must be in my nature to be an old woman sometimes. Suppose I'm happy with that!