What a "Helen"

Last weekend's crack basically decided that a "Helen" is a mare ("what a Helen.") .. This comes from birds shitting on your car each day, birds shitting on your car after you've washed it and birds shitting on your car whilst washing it. What can I say? JUST MY LUCK. The other night me and a few others decided that I must take everyone's bad luck when it comes to birds pooping al awa your car, my car is a bird shit magnet whilst everyone else goes on living a sound life bird shitless. Really I should not complain but I do, it's what I do best sometimes (especially when it comes to birds pooping all over my clean car) I should be thankful for a lot of things only when one thing in your life in turned upside down it's hard to see what is good in life and what isn't, which is totally where I think all the Helen's come from. When I say "turned upside down" I mean things like being hungover, a general bad mood, a demanding mood, not being able to get a taxi when you want one, so really having a right Helen. As Dan Evans always says "I really don't know how you get up in the morning Helen" me neither!


One thing for I am eventually thankful for is passing my driving test, the convenience of a car is definitely a good thing! Tootling along to people's houses for endless cups of tea and picking Kenty up from work which I also plan to become a regular in Frankie and Benny's. This week I picked Kent up from work where we went back to Chilli Road and acted like idiots for a good hour and a half. This hour and a half consisted of talking about her personal trainer who now has a girlfriend "Does she make you happy oooooo?", impersonating Finding Nemo, refreshing the same page on the web on 3 different apps for updates "Refresh, refresh!" impersonating Geordieshore "..Shot in our hand at al times, toneet is gonna be crackin!" in Bijoux, really? Then again this comes from people who think Koos day is the best night in Newcastle and Riverside is the best club, I'd rather stay at home if I'm honest .. So basically, general laughing like 3 pigs in the back of a taxi. This always leads to serious conversations like comparing relationships to changing your room around. Words of a Kent: "When you change your room around, you always want to be in it and can't wait to get in your room, like a new boyfriend/girlfriend you can't wait to see them, but then after a while you'll get sick of being in your room (the reason why we are sat in the living room) just like you'll get sick of your other half" This was then shortly followed by "I can't believe I just compared to changing your room around to a relationship" I'm not gonna lie, I thought it was quite an impressive metaphor!

Last night I had a lovely night making dinner which consisted of pizza and curly fries followed by a crazy amount of chocolate, for a lovely friend who actually seems to be always there especially when needed most! Including balling on the phone, balling in person and being cheered up by playing golf and going to basket ball games. "CJG!" Anywho, I then realised who mad it is that something that happened 6 months ago can feel like last week. Having one of the best Christmas' ever felt like a month ago and skiing, well that feels like a lifetime away now. Lying chilling in a spa looking up at the mountains listening to Alex Niggemann's Ibiza Voice podcast, what insane person would want to leave? Then again to come home after a 6am start and go straight to Nancy's Bordello to meet the best people in the world was probably the best bit about coming. The night of 3 pigs squealing in the back of a taxi. Little pigs of Cooper, Kent and myself. Laughing so much you cry... Definitely the best way ever to return home!


I am one of these people who love the rain, freezing cold winters, dark mornings and dark nights. No I am not depressed. I just love to be cosy in the house, in front of the (electric) fire. Reasons.. Being a massive cup of tea lover, being all cosy makes a cup of tea taste so much better in everyway. On a summer's day (ish) it doesn't have the same effect at 4pm when it is still light outside, quite warm and ringing Miss Nanda for a daily chat about what shit we are next going to get for our house in September. This is a routine I got into all winter which was the first thing I did when I walked through the door. Now it's probably of the last thing I would do.


Is being shallow a bad thing? Being shallow is defintely not a bad thing, well to an extent anyway. If you're not shallow you'll always settle for second best and what's the point in that? I'm just happy I'm not fat, being someone who goes for 30 year old guys and my best friends actually like me (definitely no hint to who that is there then!)  apologises if that's what you'd go for anyway! Things like that really do make me like and make me thankful for not being a person like that. Sorry if I'm not common, fat, want to be like everyone else and talk like a broad geordie trying to be something I'm not. Not forgetting saying "man" in every sentence 'cause I think I'm totally mint (obviously the case.) Actually come to think of it, it was only this week that I heard someone say "No one should change for anyone" most certainly true, and being common is probably one of my biggest fears in life! Never mind ghosts or the monsters who live under your bed, but being common.. Shit the bed (er literally?)

Bizarre moods and eating raw chicken

For a good couple of days now I've been in the world's strangest mood leading to totally not being aware. An example of this is eating raw chicken.. exactly as it sounds. I came home from work with my dinner already on a plate waiting for me to park my arse and watch Geordieshore, before I started eating being the nosy person I am I looked in the fridge to find "Chicken Bites." Having in mind that I once did A level Food Science and Nutrition, they were breaded and looked cooked so I ate one and it took me another half to realise that they weren't cooked. Looking on the cooking instructions it said "cook for 14-16 minutes" so they were definitely not cooked! Having everyone tell me to make myself sick so I didn't get food poisioning, I decided to run the risk of getting food poisoning 'cause really how much harm can a small piece of raw chicken do to you eh? The "FSNer" I am, I proved everyone wrong. I was totally fine. Well until I ate a Bigmac Large meal today then 2 Chunky KitKats which I totally blame feeling sick on that chicken last night definitely.

I've really started to wonder now whether horoscopes are actually true. Apparently 2011 was suppose to be "my year." Bullshit. If this was my year then I'd hate to see a bad year. Dear me. I'm half way through the year and reading my horoscopes religiously I've only just realised they are talking shit. Then again I do believe in the whole whatever start sign you are can say a lot about you. I 100% know about myself that I'm emotional, dramatic and talkative. On Sunday night when I went to Greg Wilson at The Cut, some lass "kindly" stood on my foot in the world's biggest heels, here's me 5ft 4 being totally over the top screaming and pushing this girl off my foot, to turn round with a Rachel laughing hysterically at me being a total drama queen. Really though with the current burise I have to show for it anyone would have been that over the top! And did this 7ft tall girl in heels with todays most common hair do of something that ressembles a beehive apologise? Ok she did, but the word sorry is so overused these days I decided that she didn't mean it as she carried on taking her bloody photo, what was clearly going to be upoloaded on Facebook in a matter of minutes of taking it with a caption that goes something like this "Loving me girlies." I'm complaining of my year so far but really all isn't that bad but it definitely is not "my year" unless I happen to win the lottery or something in the next 6 months, and with my current luck I'll probably get fired from my job and have no money never mind winning the lottery. This year something good has come out of my miserableness, I have met the most amazing people that I know for a fine fact I will love and know forever, I am going to become a nurse as of next March UNCONDITIONALLY (sorry to rub it in), I landed myself a new job, my lovely cousin is going to have a baby (amazing news!), I had a weekend in London, a week in Austria and my travels don't stop there this year. Also to go this year is Turkey, Ibiza, back to London and around Australia. So really with many many shitty moments like that stupid girl standing on my foot, all isn't 100% bad. With always following Rev Run on Twitter and his lovely little quotes (which I swear are taken straight from Girl Dictionary on Twitter) I heard Girl Dictionary also posts simular quotes, so being the person I currently am, I now follow "her." When I came in from work, once I ate my share of raw chicken, browsed through Twitter whilst half watching Geordieshore, to see "she" upated this: "#agoodboyfriend always tells the truth to his woman, never a lie. He knows she should be protected from the rest of the world and not HIM" to my ammusement and only half glancing at the tweet I burst out laughing at the fact HIM looks like HIV. So having the phone at the ready about to text Kent this Tweet, Alix who was sitting next to me obviously confused, I put all my attention into this Tweet to read it out, to then totally ruin it to find out it actually said HIM. However I still obviously then carried on giggling away. 

At the moment I feel like I have far too much spare time on my hands, even though I know I should be busy working! However making decision to talk to Leena on the phone about what hobbies I am going to take up was a bad idea. At the time I was browsing Cath Kidston things on the interne, which made me just feel old after I picked out my new cultery for the house next year which consists of everything flowery as well as chosing  my new stupidly, over prices pillow cases for my new bed. However after everyone went crazy a couple of months ago when I bought a lovely flowery pillow case of a tenner, I think I'll buy a couple this time just to be annoying. I love wasting money, especially on homeware and silly things like designer pillow cases which everyone obviously needs. An essential.  Anyway so my new hobbies are going to be knitting which I will knit Leena a Christmas jumper and make her wear it next year, even if she refuses I'll dress her in her sleep. There's nee getting out of this one. Another hobby is reading, which I am going to read all about where I'm off on my travels. After todays events of looking at places in Ibiza, over dinner table conversation I said that I was going to read up on Australia after talking about Ibiza for a good 10 minutes. But really what is there to read up on Ibiza about? Do my research on what, the states I will see? As I already feel like I have too much time on my hands I have no idea how I am going to feel in a couple of months time, I will be no doubt be pulling my hair out by this stage. Knitting and reading, I am definitely going to have something to talk about on nights out as of now! "Hiya I'm Helen I knit my flat mate Christmas jumpers and I read about nature, as well as eating raw chicken" Maybe I need to find some more or new hobbies to talk about.

Well rumour has it stalkers aren't what they use to be! I wonder if some people's definitions of stalkers are going out in the car and checking out all the "D" 'cause really, that would be even more hilarious. To be honest, after today of watching kids play out of the window then followed by a quote of "I love kids" after talking about MGMT I would class myself as a scary one. Other people believe what they want (however I'm certainly not a stalker or a pedo checking out al the local D) off whoever tells them whatever, but at the end of the day if you're lying about someone stalking you then I'd definitely class them being the one with the issues mind.

Getting back to the Seriousness Of Facebook I totally forgot to mention the funniest status I ever did see months back. Even though it was back in January sometime I still remember it 'cause it was that funny. I remember it was a Tuesday morning (to be precise) and as you (use) to do, update Facebook on your phone to see what's being going on in the world, and when you read a status like this, this is when you know that the world for some has hit a brick wall. I actually read a status saying "Get me back to that Afters" WELL, where to start on that! My first rection was cringe then laugh. This status was followed by comments saying "Aye a na" so really that just says the lot. To be honest that has to be the best, funniest status I have seen in a long while. For the sheer fact, when people read it what do you think? I would rather live in a life that bearly exists? Really though, a lot of people need to open their eyes to the real world other than a fueled weekend. But when will most do it? Not for a very long time I gather.